Kill a Turtle or Scientologist Friend

Would you rather kill a turtle or have one of your good friends become a Scientologist?

Considerations:

• The turtle is exotic, rare, and older than your oldest living relative.
• The turtle is named "Sam" and people call him "Sam the turtle."
• There is a 0% chance that you'll be able to convince your friend to renounce his/her scientologist beliefs.
• There is a 66% chance that your friend will try to convert you to scientology. This would, at the very least, be quite annoying. (Whether s/he succeeds depends upon your fortitude.)
• There is a 100% chance that the turtle will die when you kill it.
• You could keep the turtle shell as a memento.
• Sam's terrarium will look quite empty without him.
• You could kill Sam in any manner that you choose.

Slut or Slutty

Would you rather be a slut or have everyone think you're a slut?

Considerations:

• If you picked to be a slut, you could do so discretely.
• If everyone thinks you're a slut, you could go ahead and have the fun a slut has. (You can't ruin your good name if ya ain't got none)
• Sluts can have as many partners/relations/etc. as s/he choses.

Paper Cut or Eat a Placenta

Would you rather get a paper cut or eat a placenta?

Consdiderations:

• Assume that the placenta is cooked and entirely safe to eat.
• The papercut is severe enough to make you curse out loud.
• The placenta is not yours and is not related to you.
• The placenta might (would) be gross to eat.
• Nobody likes paper cuts.

12 Kids or Infertile

Would you rather have a dozen kids or be infertile?

Considerations:

• You cannot adobt, kidnap, or otherwise obtain children.
• The dozen children would be born within a 15 year span.
• Lots of kids might drive you insane.
• No kids might make you sad.

Dissect or Parachute

Would you rather dissect a human corpse or go skydiving?

Considerations:

• You might be risk averse.
• You might not like heights.
• You might not like dead people.
• You might not like the formeldehyde smell.

Food or Killer

Would you rather eat a food you dispise or kiss a killer?

Considerations:

• A food I dispise? Yes, you absolutely hate it. The thought of this food makes you want to gag.
• Do I have to eat the whole thing? Yes. You must consume an entire serving of dispised food.
• Kiss a killer? Yes--on the lips. Whether or not you give him/her tongue is up to you.
• Who did s/he kill? It's a mystery. If you knew that, then s/he'd be in jail!
• Kissing a killer would be creepy and possibly nauseating.
• Eating a food you dispise (like cilantro) would likely be nauseating.

Milk a Cow or Have Nipple Bitten

Would you rather milk a cow or have your nipple bitten by an animal?

Considerations:

• Milking a cow could be udderly disgusting. (I couldn't help it).
• Having your nipple bitten would hurt.
• What kind of animal would bite my nipple? It doesn't matter, could be a monkey, could be a bird, could be a mosquito, a snail, etc.
• It might be embarassing to show your bitten nipple to a doctor.
• The cow might bite you when you try and milk her.
• You might accidentally try to milk a male cow, and he would not be happy.

Snail or Turtle

Would you rather have a pet snail or a pet turtle?

Considerations:

• Snails are smaller.
• Turtles live longer.
• Turtles eat more.
• Turtles are greenish.
• You could name the turtle Yertle.
• You could name the snail Gail.
• The snail might dissolve if you accidentally left a pile of salt in her path.

Lost Eye or Michael Jackson Nose

Would you rather lose an eye in a fireworks accident or get mauled by an animal and end up with a Michael Jackson nose?

Considerations:

• Michael Jackson's nose? Yes, his nose (or lack thereof). Assume that it comes with none of his other oddities (paleness/cleft chin/singing talents/high pitched voice/predilection for sleeping with children).
• What kind of animal? One capable of mauling you.
• If you only have one functioning eye at present, you would end up blind.
• Assume that your breathing would not be negatively affected by a MJ nose.

Live in Bad Area or Credit Card Debt

Would you rather live in a bad area of town or have lots of credit card debt?

Considerations:

• How bad is the area? Detroit bad. You purchased the house for $9,000 and hear gunfire every night.
• How much credit card debt? Half of your annual income. And you don't have enough savings to
• If you pick the bad area, chances are that you'll be mugged/shot/robbed/raped/killed/etc. within a year.
• If you pick the debt, the interest will soon exceed the gross national product (GNP) of a small nation-state.

Cereal or Jetski

Would you rather eat a bowl of cereal or have a jetski?

Considerations:

• Assume that the cereal/jetski is of average quality and brand.
• Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
• A jetski is worth a lot more than a bowl of cereal.
• You might win a prize with this bowl of cereal.
• Jetskis claim many lives per year.
• Similarly, people have been known to choke on cereal.

George Hamilton Tan or Skip 33

Would you rather have a perpetual George Hamilton tan or skip the age of 33?

Considerations:

• Skip 33? Yes. You would go from 32 to 34 on your birthday. If you are already over 33, then you automatically become a year older (33 is retroactively skipped).
• You might freak people out if you were always kind of orange looking.
• If you were already pretty tan (albeit orange), it would be hard to get sun burn.
• Skipping 33 puts you that much closer to 40. And 50. And the grave.
• Assume that you would suffer no ill effects from skipping a year, although your body would age 365 days.

Hungry or Fat

Would you rather always be hungry or always be fat?

Considerations:

• Assume that you are not always hungry.
• Assume that 'fat' means fatter than you are now, you lardass.
• If you were hungry you could eat, but that wouldn't satisfy the hunger.
• Always being hungry could lead to being fat.
• Being fat could lead to being depressed and more eating.

Baby Seal or Bad Vote

Would you rather club a baby seal or vote for someone you despise?

Considerations:

• It's a close election and you live in a swing state/district.
• Although it will be close, the margin of the victory will be greater than one vote, meaning that you will not be the deciding vote or for that matter have any effect on the outcome (other than the margin of victory).
• Everyone always talks about people clubbing baby seals, but nobody goes out and does it.
• Assume baby seals are loud, smelly, and rude. They only look cute in pictures.
• Where are your principles, damnit!?!
• Assume that the baby seal would've been clubbed to death anyway.
  
• If you were stranded in Antarctica you could use the seal as food/fuel for the fire.
• You really don't like the candidate.
  

Blind or Deaf

Would you rather be blind for a week or deaf for a month?

Considerations:

• If you can't see, you might trip over things or bang into walls.
• If you can't hear, you won't hear fire alarms or railroad sirens.
• You'd be bored as a blind person because you couldn't watch television or read books.
• You'd be bored as a deaf person because you couldn't listen to music or the radio (rendering that satellite radio useless)
• Blind people can't see their food. It might look gross or a bug might land in it.
• Deaf people might start dating someone who has a Jersey accent or a Fran Drescher voice.

Thanks to Clara for submitting this hypo!

Fat Man or Smelly Lady

On an airplane, would you rather sit next to a fat man or an old lady wearing too much perfume?

Considerations:

• How fat are we talking about? Faat. He infringes into your space.
• How smelly is the old lady? Stinky! She smells like she fell through a fragrance counter and all the bottles broke on her.
• Assume that the fat guy does not smell worse than the average person does.
• Assume that the old lady's fragrances will abate over time, but you will not become immune to them.
• Assume that you are the window seat and the fat man/smelly old lady is directly next to you.
• In an emergency, the fat man could pose a safety risk, as you'd be trapped behind him.
• The fat man might snore.
• The old lady might chat your ear off.

Lost Toe or Sex with Albino

Would you rather lose a toe in an accident or have sex with an Albino?

Considerations:

• How would the toe be lost? In an accident.
• Which toe? It would be random, but it seems like the big toe is most at risk (because of it's size).
• Would it hurt? I would think so.
• An Albino? Yes. His/her name is Joe/Jolene.
• What does s/he look like? S/he is of average looks. Oh, and s/he is completely devoid of pigmentation.
• The Albino has no other distinguishing characteristics (i.e. not overly hairy, not a midget, not rich and famous.)

Root Canal or Panama Canal

Would you rather need a root canal or have to swim across the Panama Canal?

Considerations:

• If you need a root canal, you'd be intreme discomfort.
• You might drown or get hit by a ship.
  
• If you pick the Panama Canal, you can write a panindromically titled book "A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Panama"
• Nobody likes going to the dentist.
  

Smart and Fat or Thin and Stupid

Would you rather date someone smart and fat or thin and stupid?

Considerations:

• How smart? A relatively intelligent person. One could have a reasonably academic/intellectual conversation with him/her.
• How fat? Faaaaaat. At least double your weight. The overwhelming majority of people will see him/her and say "man, look at lardass over there."
• How thin? Bones are visible through the skin.
• How stupid? Stupid enough to make Paris Hilton look like Einstein.

Thanks to Meghann H. for submitting this one!

Family

Would you rather have to live move in with your nuclear family for the next ten years, or not see them at all for ten years?

Considerations:

• Live with? Yes. This entails all the traditional things people (children) do with their families (including evening meals, vacations, bowling league, church, etc.)
• "But I'd go crazy" That's the point. It's called a Ridiculous Hypothetical for a reason.
• Never see them? Yup. Assume you (or they) moved to a different hemisphere and the flights/visas/etc. were prohibitive.
• Even on Christmas/Thanksgiving/Groundhog's Day? Yup. You can call them on a regular basis, and can fully utilize all forms of electronic communication that would be reasonable. (i.e. no "Beam me up Scotty" transporter machines).
• Your family includes all family pets (so the cat/dog/goldfish/ferret are going with them).
  
• If you didn't see your family, you might miss them and be sad.
• Your family might drive you insane.
• Ten years is a long time. They might start dying off.
• Ten years is a long time. You might be driven to suicide. Or homicide/matricide/patricide/fratricide.
  
• Home cooked meals, no rent.
• Microwave dinners, rent, sanity.
  

Triangle or Water

Would you rather be a triangle or drink a glass of water?

Considerations:

• Be a triangle? Yes, a three sided geometrical figure, with angles that sum to 180 degrees.
• Is the water cold? The water is iced and from the tap.
• Can I use the water to make a drink mix (i.e. Crystal Light/Kool Aid)? No.
• How much water? An 8oz. glass. You will have 15 minutes to imbibe it, else you go into default and turn into a triangle.
• You might not be thirsty.
• It might suck to live in one dimension.
• Triangles are immortal.
• Hydration is essential.
  

Cake or Vacation

Would you rather eat cake or go on vacation for one week?

Considerations:

• The vacation is to a location that is sufficiently relaxing.
• The cake is either chocolate or vanilla with either chocolate or vanilla icing.
• You might get bitten by a tropical bug while on vacation.
• Your plane could crash.
  
• Your mouth might get dry with the cake.