Ridiculous Hypotheticals

A blog asking ridiculous questions you never would've thought of.

Sunday, December 30, 2007


Would you rather be mildly sick for a week or really sick for 3.5 days?

  • The half day of sickness would be the first, and you'd have a "normal" feeling morning before the onset.
  • "Sick" can mean a variety of things, but the main feature is "general malaise." (This may include, but is not limited to: fever, cough, sore throat, congestion, nausea, headache, lightheadedness.)
  • "Mildness" is determined by having either few or mild symptoms. (You do not get to pick the symptoms).
  • "Really"ness is determined by having many or severe symptoms (you do not get to pick them, and they would be sufficiently severe to cause you to miss some work).
  • Severe illness would disrupt your plans.
  • You could still do things while mildly ill (e.g. go to work), but you'd feel shitty.
  • If you pick severe sickness, there is a very small chance that your severe illness could be Ebola or flesh eating bacteria, which may kill you within the 3.5 days.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Cuckold or Adulterer

Would you rather be cheated on or catch your partner cheating on you?


  • Assume a long-term committed relationship.

  • Aforementioned cheating would be continuous (mistress/[is the male version a mister? master?) rather than a one time ordeal (oops).

  • If you opt to be cheated on, you would discover the indiscretions of your partner.

  • Cuckolds can retain the "moral high ground" and garner sympathy ("poor guy, his wife cheated on him").

  • If you were the cheater, assume a 50% chance that you would be discovered by your partner, and if discovered about a 50% chance that it would precipitate the end of the relationship.

  • Cheatee could probably coax/guilt the cheater into staying.

  • Cheatee has a sympathy advantage in the event of the disolution of the relationship in terms of legal proceedings.

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Monday, December 24, 2007

Famous or Dog Bite

Would you rather be famous or be bitten by a dog on the ass?

  • The dog bite would hurt a lot, and you wouldn't be able to sit comfortably for weeks.
  • You'd probably need stitches or the rabies vaccine.
  • You would not get to choose how you became famous.
  • There's a very real chance (over 50%) that you could be famous for something less than notable (think Scott Peterson, Natalee Holloway, Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole Smith) .
  • You could sue the dog owner and potentially recover damages.
  • The dog might be a stray
  • You might end up rich and famous (think people who are famous solely for being rich like Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, and the google guys--then you wouldn't need the style high club to get deals on fashion).

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Donuts or Drugs

Would you rather be addicted to donuts or drugs?


  • Both provide heightened sensory experiences.
  • Your friends/family could send you to rehab for drug abuse. There is no known cure for donut addictions (though sour cream glazed can help).
  • Drugs can make you do crazy things.
  • Donuts can make you fat.
  • Drugs can make you skinny. (remember the heroin chic period of the 90s?)
  • Donuts are cheaper than drugs (meaning you can get coffee AND donuts cheaper than getting just drugs).
  • Donuts are more accessible than drugs (meaning it would be a harder habit to kick since you could go to a Dunkin Donuts 24/7 and have a blueberry cake donut).
  • Drugs are potentially more addictive than donuts.
  • You may run into police at the donut shop and chuckle that there are police at a donut shop.


Would you rather: Eat Spam OR Receive a lot of Spam?


  • You would have to eat the entire can of spam, but you can prepare it however you like.
  • Outside of Hawaii, Spam is generally regarded as disgusting.
  • You would receive an obscene amount of spam, daily (think however much email you legitimately receive would be matched by 4x as much spam).
  • Your spam filter is not 100% accurate, meaning that there would be false positives and to make sure you didn't delete something important, you'd have to go through your spam folder.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Insensitive Remark

Who would you rather accidentally make a culturally insensitive remark to?
  • A midget
  • An albino
  • An albino midget

  • The insensitive remark would be about the person's height/skin color or both (in the case of the albino midget).
  • You have been drinking and you encounter the X person in the bar. S/he has also been drinking.
  • The remark could be a mild slip of the tongue (e.g. "all white then" to the albino instead of "alright then") or it could be a Kramer/Mel Gibson-esque hateful tirade (e.g. "go back to the North pole, you pale fucking elf! You'll blend right in with all that snow, and I hope you get burried in it because you're so close to the ground" to the albino midget).
  • If the remark is particularly offensive, presumably the midgets pose less of a physical threat. [That is unless midgets happen to carry weapons to compensate for their inherent non-threatening nature, in which case the albinos would be a surer bet, unless they could remove articles of clothing and blind you with their sheer brightness.]

Dream Crushing Weasel

Would you rather be a Dream Crushing Weasel or have your dreams crushed by a Dream Crushing Weasel?

  • Assume that you have dreams that are substantial enough that they could be crushed, and that having your dreams crushed would be enough to depress you for a decent amount of time.
  • [Is it worse that your dreams were crushed by a Dream Crushing Weasel, as opposed to the harsh realities of the world?]
  • As a Dream Crushing Weasel, you would actively do something to crush the dreams of the crushee, more than being the messenger of bad news.
  • As a Dream Crushing Weasel, crushing dreams is habitual and regular. You may or may not enjoy this.
  • As a Dream Crushing Weasel, the Crushee will discover that you are the origin of the crushed dreams, however there is little recourse for the crushee.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Burning Cross

Would you rather have a cross burned on your lawn, or burn a cross on someone else's lawn?

  • Assume that you have a lawn that is exclusively yours (such that you know that the burning cross is intended for you).
  • The cross is life sized--(large enough for a crucifixion).
  • Having a cross burned on your lawn is a very hateful thing. Why would you want to be hated?
  • Burning a cross on someone else's lawn is very hateful. Why would you want to be a hater?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

colonel sanders or aunt jemima

Would you rather eat fried chicken with Colonel Sanders or pancakes with Aunt Jemima?

  • Each prepared the dish you would eat with them.
  • Fried chicken makes your fingers greasy.
  • Pancakes are sticky.
  • The pancakes would be served with Aunt Jemima's special syrup, not traditional maple syrup.
  • The chicken would be prepared "original recipe", regularly crispy, and served in a red paper bucket.
  • Assume that you are hungry.
  • Assume that the caloric content of each meal is equal.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Gay son or black son?

As a Southern Evangelical Christian minister, would you rather have a son who is gay or black?

Assume that the gay son is very gay.
Assume that the black son is very black.
Assume that you are not black and neither is the mother (hinting that the black son is not your son).

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Environment or Environmentalist

Would you rather kill the environment or kill an environmentalist?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Bite or be Bitten

Would you rather be bitten by a cat or bite a cat?

If you bite the cat, you could get hair in your mouth.
If you bite the cat, you might make him mad, he might bite you back.
If the cat bites you, you might get rabies.
The cat is named Fluffy.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Kill a Turtle or Scientologist Friend

Would you rather kill a turtle or have one of your good friends become a Scientologist?

  • The turtle is exotic, rare, and older than your oldest living relative.
  • The turtle is named "Sam" and people call him "Sam the turtle."
  • There is a 0% chance that you'll be able to convince your friend to renounce his/her scientologist beliefs.
  • There is a 66% chance that your friend will try to convert you to scientology. This would, at the very least, be quite annoying. (Whether s/he succeeds depends upon your fortitude.)
  • There is a 100% chance that the turtle will die when you kill it.
  • You could keep the turtle shell as a memento.
  • Sam's terrarium will look quite empty without him.
  • You could kill Sam in any manner that you choose.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Slut or Slutty

Would you rather be a slut or have everyone think you're a slut?

  • If you picked to be a slut, you could do so discretely.
  • If everyone thinks you're a slut, you could go ahead and have the fun a slut has. (You can't ruin your good name if ya ain't got none)
  • Sluts can have as many partners/relations/etc. as s/he choses.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Paper Cut or Eat a Placenta

Would you rather get a paper cut or eat a placenta?

  • Assume that the placenta is cooked and entirely safe to eat.
  • The papercut is severe enough to make you curse out loud.
  • The placenta is not yours and is not related to you.
  • The placenta might (would) be gross to eat.
  • Nobody likes paper cuts.

12 Kids or Infertile

Would you rather have a dozen kids or be infertile?

  • You cannot adobt, kidnap, or otherwise obtain children.
  • The dozen children would be born within a 15 year span.
  • Lots of kids might drive you insane.
  • No kids might make you sad.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Dissect or Parachute

Would you rather dissect a human corpse or go skydiving?

  • You might be risk averse.
  • You might not like heights.
  • You might not like dead people.
  • You might not like the formeldehyde smell.

Food or Killer

Would you rather eat a food you dispise or kiss a killer?

  • A food I dispise? Yes, you absolutely hate it. The thought of this food makes you want to gag.
  • Do I have to eat the whole thing? Yes. You must consume an entire serving of dispised food.
  • Kiss a killer? Yes--on the lips. Whether or not you give him/her tongue is up to you.
  • Who did s/he kill? It's a mystery. If you knew that, then s/he'd be in jail!
  • Kissing a killer would be creepy and possibly nauseating.
  • Eating a food you dispise (like cilantro) would likely be nauseating.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Milk a Cow or Have Nipple Bitten

Would you rather milk a cow or have your nipple bitten by an animal?

  • Milking a cow could be udderly disgusting. (I couldn't help it).
  • Having your nipple bitten would hurt.
  • What kind of animal would bite my nipple? It doesn't matter, could be a monkey, could be a bird, could be a mosquito, a snail, etc.
  • It might be embarassing to show your bitten nipple to a doctor.
  • The cow might bite you when you try and milk her.
  • You might accidentally try to milk a male cow, and he would not be happy.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Snail or Turtle

Would you rather have a pet snail or a pet turtle?

  • Snails are smaller.
  • Turtles live longer.
  • Turtles eat more.
  • Turtles are greenish.
  • You could name the turtle Yertle.
  • You could name the snail Gail.
  • The snail might dissolve if you accidentally left a pile of salt in her path.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Lost Eye or Michael Jackson Nose

Would you rather lose an eye in a fireworks accident or get mauled by an animal and end up with a Michael Jackson nose?


  • Michael Jackson's nose? Yes, his nose (or lack thereof). Assume that it comes with none of his other oddities (paleness/cleft chin/singing talents/high pitched voice/predilection for sleeping with children).
  • What kind of animal? One capable of mauling you.
  • If you only have one functioning eye at present, you would end up blind.
  • Assume that your breathing would not be negatively affected by a MJ nose.

Live in Bad Area or Credit Card Debt

Would you rather live in a bad area of town or have lots of credit card debt?

  • How bad is the area? Detroit bad. You purchased the house for $9,000 and hear gunfire every night.
  • How much credit card debt? Half of your annual income. And you don't have enough savings to
  • If you pick the bad area, chances are that you'll be mugged/shot/robbed/raped/killed/etc. within a year.
  • If you pick the debt, the interest will soon exceed the gross national product (GNP) of a small nation-state.

Cereal or Jetski

Would you rather eat a bowl of cereal or have a jetski?

  • Assume that the cereal/jetski is of average quality and brand.
  • Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
  • A jetski is worth a lot more than a bowl of cereal.
  • You might win a prize with this bowl of cereal.
  • Jetskis claim many lives per year.
  • Similarly, people have been known to choke on cereal.

Monday, March 13, 2006

George Hamilton Tan or Skip 33

Would you rather have a perpetual George Hamilton tan or skip the age of 33?

  • Skip 33? Yes. You would go from 32 to 34 on your birthday. If you are already over 33, then you automatically become a year older (33 is retroactively skipped).
  • You might freak people out if you were always kind of orange looking.
  • If you were already pretty tan (albeit orange), it would be hard to get sun burn.
  • Skipping 33 puts you that much closer to 40. And 50. And the grave.
  • Assume that you would suffer no ill effects from skipping a year, although your body would age 365 days.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Hungry or Fat

Would you rather always be hungry or always be fat?

  • Assume that you are not always hungry.
  • Assume that 'fat' means fatter than you are now, you lardass.
  • If you were hungry you could eat, but that wouldn't satisfy the hunger.
  • Always being hungry could lead to being fat.
  • Being fat could lead to being depressed and more eating.