Monkey or Slave

Would you rather have a Pet Monkey or a Slave?

Considerations:

• Assume you would be prosecuted neither for having a contraband animal or a person in involuntary servitude, and that no one would deprive you of your chattels. Further assume that neither the monkey nor the slave would escape as they are sufficiently contented being in your possession.
  
• You could teach the monkey to do a little dance.
• The monkey could wear a hat and be all cute.
• The slave could cook and clean. You'd never have to do laundry/dishes again.
  
• The slave would likely live longer.
• It could be more expensive to food/house the slave [it all depends on what monkeys eat.] But considering that the slave would likely live much longer, this probably tilts the balance.
  
• You could introduce your monkey to friends, whereas you'd likely be embarassed to do so with the slave (people tend to frown upon slavery).
• You might be allergic to monkeys.
• If you went on vacation, the slave could care for him/herself, in addition to collecting the mail/paper, etc. The monkey would likely require a human caretaker, and you'd have to recruit a friend/neighbor to get mail/paper.
• If you like bananas, the monkey might eat them all before you can have one. If you don't like bananas, this is not a problem, unless you don't buy bananas, in which case you'd have a sad monkey.
• If it was bad, you could spank the monkey.
  

Supreme Court Justice or Alf

Would you rather be a Supreme Court Justice or meet Alf?

Considerations:

• If you are a cat, assume that Alf will not eat you immediately (if you select to meet with Alf). Though he might eat you if provoked.
  
• Regardless of your age, you'll only get to serve on the high court for approximately 18 years.
• Your meeting with Alf would be for approximately 20-30 minutes during which you could ask him questions, converse, etc.
  
• Assume that you would replace a justice of a political/judicial philosophy similar orientation to your own (and thus you would not tilt the balance on the court.) If no justice shares your exact ideology, assume you'll replace the closest one, and the views of the other justices will change such that your appearance on the bench would not alter the balance.
  
• Assume that Alf is an alien from the planet Melmac, and not a puppet from a popular 1980s television show.
  
• Alf might smell funny.
• Ruth Bader Ginsburg also might smell funny.
  

Music: All the time or Never

Would you rather hear music all the time, or never hear it at all?

Considerations:

• You mean deaf? No. You would just be unable to hear music of any kind.
• What kind of music? Each song would be randomly selected from a selection of all the music that has ever been made. You might get rap music or the pan flute.
• How loud? As loud as you'd listen to an average song on your car radio. [Not a song you've turned up the volume because you like.] In any case, assume your hearing is unaffected.
  
• It is unlikely that the music would be a 'score' for your life, although it is possible because of the random nature of the song selection.
• You will probably not like all of the music you'd have to hear.
• You would likely save money by not purchasing concert tickets, CDs, and that shiny new iPod Nano.
• The music might prevent you from falling asleep/wake you up randomly.
• People might think you're crazy if you started to sing along.
  
• American Idol would be a complete waste of time, but at the same time you'd never have to hear another Celene Dion song, ever.
  

Snail or Soda

Would you rather have a pet snail (named after an ex-President) or a can of soda?

Considerations:

• The can of soda is chilled to a comfortable soda (pop) drinking temperature.
• The snail will live an average lifespan (for a snail).
• No one will steal or otherwise deprive you of the snail during its lifetime. [No guarantees are made about the shell after said snail's death.]
  
• You can only name the snail after an ex-president. (Example: Theodore, Lincoln, Ulysses.)
• You will be eligible for the deposit on the pop can, but you must put in the effort to return it.
• If you wish, you may eat the snail. You could also put salt on it to watch it melt.

Albino or Bad Cook

Would you rather be an Albino or a bad cook?

Considerations:

• Albinos are sensitive to the sun.
• People point at Albinos and say "Hey look, an Albanian, or is it an Albino?"
• Bad cooks can't eat out all the time, and thus will be unsatisfied with their food at least some of the time.
• Bad cooking might induce skinniness, but it will most definitely induce irritability.
• Nobody makes bad cooks cook them food.
• Albinos rarely drown at the beach (as Albinos rarely go to the beach).

Midget or Fugly

Would you rather wake up next to a midget or a fugly person?

Considerations:

• "Wake up next to"? All signs point to the fact that you had sex with the midget/fugly, although this is not certain. [Lucky for you that you don't remember and the event is in the past.]
• What does the midget look like? The midget is of average attractiveness (for a midget).
• How ugly is the fugly? Considering that 'fugly' means fucking ugly, things do not look good for you. [Although it could be any number of things that make the person fugly--e.g. ear hair, fatness, flesh eating bacteria, Albinism, etc.]
• The fugly person is NOT a midget in this instance.
  

Burnt or Buried

Would you rather be buried alive or burned at the stake?

Considerations:

• You would be awake until death in both situations.
• There would be no chance of surviving either event.
• The coffin would be dark and scary, and not very airy.
  
• The fire would be quite hot, and you'd smell your own flesh burning.

Taco or Time Travel

Would you rather eat a taco, or go back in time as a bug for 5 minutes?

Considerations:

• The taco would be of average quality. It could be hard or soft shell, depending on your preferences. It can have toppings of your choice.
• The time travel could be to any past time, ever.
• As a time traveler, you could get the opportunity to be "a fly on the wall," and could bring your newly acquired knowledge back with you to the future.
• You would return to the present as a human.
• You could die if you select time travel, if you were eaten/swatted as a bug.
• You could die from the taco too (choking, rat poison, etc.)

12 or 37?

Which number is better, 12 or 37?

Considerations:

• 37 is a prime number. Prime numbers are cool.
• The digits in 37 sum to 10.
• 12 is an even number, divisible by 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, and 12.
• 12 is sandwiched between prime number 11 and 13.
• The digits in 12 sum to 3.
• 37 is a bigger number.
• Sometimes the bigger number is too big--case in point: The Price is Right--can't go over.
• But sometimes the bigger number is better--case in point: winning the lottery--most people would rather have 37X than 12X.
  
• 12 has a commonly used word that refers to it--'dozen'

Who to Lie to?

Would you rather lie to a stranger (and get caught) or lie to a good friend (and get away with it)?

Considerations:

• The nature of the lie could vary widely--it could be a little white lie or a monumental lie. It would be up to chance to determine the scope of the lie.
• If you choose to get caught, it could have serious rammifications (e.g. consider the case of getting caught lying to a Federal Grand Jury.) Again, this would be up to chance.
• If you choose to lie to a good friend, you would never be caught, no matter what the extent of the lie.

Bug or Ice Cream

Would you rather have to eat a bug, or a gallon of ice cream?

Considerations:

• The bug is sufficiently large and crunchy. [Think a good sized grasshopper or cockroach.]
• The gallon of ice cream must be eaten in one sitting.
  

Tall or Ugly

Would you rather be tall or ugly?

Considerations:

• If you select tall, you would end up taller than you currently are.
  
• How much taller? Tall enough to make you tall. This could be a very miniscule amount if you are already tall, and a significant amount if you are not tall.
• How tall is tall? Tall enough that most people who you initially encounter would say something to the extent of "Man, you're tall."
• If you select ugly, you would end up uglier than you currently are. [If you are attractive, this is a significant decline in appearance, while if you are already unattractive, the decline is not as severe.]
  
• How ugly? Ugly enough that most people would think "Man, s/he's a dog."
  

Good Skier or Grilled Cheese Maker?

Would you rather be a good skier or an excellent grilled cheese maker?

Considerations:

• Good skiers can go down triple black diamond trails with ease. They are not Olympic material.
• Excellent grilled cheese makers are highly respected by those that they choose to cook for.
• Even if you already make a good grilled cheese, your skills will improve if you select this option.
  

Rich or Stupid

Would you rather be rich or stupid?

Considerations:

• If you select rich, your intelligence remains the same.
  
• Assume the old maxim "a fool and his money are soon parted" is true.
• If you select stupid, your wealth does not automatically decrease, but see the maxim above.
• Assume that "money doesn't buy happiness" is true.
  
• Also assume that "money can buy things that will make you happy" is true.
  

Bee or Dog

Would you rather be stung by a bee or bitten by a dog?

Considerations:

• Assume that you are not allergic to bees.
  

Black baby or Anonymous Father

Would you rather be pregnant with a black man's baby, or not know who the father is?

Considerations:

• You know who the father of the black baby is.
• Assume that you are not going to have an abortion.
  
• Neither the black father nor the anonymous father are sticking around to help you raise said child (should you choose to raise it).
  
• If you choose not to know who the father is, there is roughly a 12.2% chance that you'd end up with a black child, and a 75.6% chance that you'd end up with a white baby (with remaining probability of other races).
• It is likely that neither the black father nor the anonymous father is a midget.
• You are already 6 weeks pregnant when you discover the pregnancy, leaving roughly 7.5 months left of pregnancy.
  

Toaster Oven or Additional (Retroactive) Sibling

Would you rather have a nice toaster oven or a new sibling (who would die a painful death)?

Considerations:

• The toaster oven is really nice. It will never burn anything, and never need to be cleaned.
• The sibling would be retroactively added, and would be included in all family memories/photos/etc.
  
• You would love this sibling as you do to other siblings.
• This sibling would be within 2 years of your age.
  
• The painful death would be in the future, and would consist of roughly a year of suffering.
  

Follow up Question (for those that have siblings): Would you rather have a/your current sibling die a painful death or have a nice toaster oven and never have had your sibling?

Considerations:

• The nice toaster oven is the same as described above, likewise is the painful death.
• If you elect to keep your sibling (and let him/her die a painful death), you retain all prior memories of said sibling.